I never really understood the emotions and definition of people that are struggling with anxiety and depression. In my last post, In over my head? Way past that. I said that Nick had told me he was worried about me, well, he has every reason to be. I have found myself more often than not worried about myself as well. I first began realizing a change in my emotions and they way I handle situations when things weren’t going our way with houses. Obviously I knew there would be ups and downs with house buying, thats how it goes and unfortunately there is no other way around that. However, I recently realized when things kept going wrong it just kept building and building.
I was recently told by my pre-health advisor that my GPA wouldn’t make the cut for med school and I would have to think about applying to a Masters program, this clearly didn’t appeal to me since the night before, I realized I had been accepting federal loans, which I thought were grants for my schooling, which meant my loans I thought were only 15k just about doubled. Hearing all of this bad information in little to no time took a serious toll on my emotions. I became so depressed and just put out of sorts and as Nick told me, I wasn’t myself. After having an emotional breakdown and endlessly crying about how awful my life was I realized I am the only person in control of changing these things. So I studied so hard, the hardest I could with the time I had, I forced myself to do well and I am still on this positive path. But the biggest thing I have realized to change my mindset was to not compare myself to my peers! I talked about this in my post Why comparison is your worst enemy
However, this is very hard when you go to the University I do because that’s the only way you can track how you are doing is based upon your peers! Knowing this really affected my attitude toward the school I go to which is not fair because as I told Nick last night while crying, it is all on me, it is only my fault for the things that have happened. I have been more worried about work and getting sleep that I had been putting off my school work. I also had been basically blaming all of my family and people around me which is clearly unfair.
So to all of you and to myself this is my vow that this week off for the holiday will be my break to change and I will be back to my normal self. Yes, of course I will have stress on my shoulders during finals and the end of the year, but I promise I will not turn into that person I have been.
Until next time,